Let’s talk about being Lonely.
The emotional experience of loneliness comes from a disconnection to ourselves and others. It is the sense of isolation – sometimes even when surrounded by others. This messaging of being alone – unable to control the ‘stuck’ feeling of being unfulfilled is a message from our minds and nervous system. It is saying that we need to learn to connect to ourselves and others.
So many people struggle with loneliness – in a world where there is always social media and so much ‘to do’. It can seem overwhelming that so many people seem have connections – but you do not.
Honestly loneliness isn’t even about being alone. Although often is part of that isolation. Especially if one of the ways you have always coped is to shut down, turn others off, or isolate. The opposite of loneliness – is fulfillment.
If you lived through – if you developed during – trauma or disrupted attachment in childhood – then loneliness is familiar. It is a pattern that may feel unescapable. Maybe it even seems it is who YOU are rather than a disconnection that happened to you.
Relationships may not feel safe. Connecting may feel more vulnerable than powerful.
Connection may also always seem to result in rejection or dysfunction. Maybe you even tell yourself you are ‘meant to be alone’. Or you pull away from those who want you to lean in. Connect with those who do not seem to desire true connection from you.
But that ache may still remain. Your nervous system may become activated with a tightness or heaviness in your chest or stomach. A emptiness that lingers. Just like it did when you were afraid, lonely, or rejected as a child.
You are not flawed. Even if rather than re-experiencing this discomfort you choose to cope through the loneliness by remaining in unfulfilling or toxic relationships. Even if to pass the boredom and loneliness you fill your time with substance use or unhealthy behaviours. Shopping may feel like it gives you enough satisfaction (dopamine).
Gambling may seem like it fulfills you – for just a moment. Smoking, even your exercise or diet can be done in ways that are over-controlling to support the avoidance of truly processing that loneliness. Keeping it just layered enough that sometimes you can seemingly ignore it. Avoid it. You are not broken because you are lonely. Even if you feel like you are unworthy or it is impossible for you to connect.
The truth is that when you feel trapped by loneliness – and avoid it fully – this ‘stuck’ is just your nervous system wanting to support your survival. It is your support system, guide, your true authentic self whispering that there is an open doorway into possibility and connection. It is kind of amazing you have that powerful protective part of you!
That part of you that is in avoiding mode – it just wants to protect you from the painful emotional experience – because it truly hurts to hurt. As a child that pain was unbearable, so a part of you learned to avoid it rather than process it. After all – the adults in your life didn’t exactly teach you to feel it to heal it, right?
I have made an agreement with myself recently. I am going to expand on my own intuition. When a theme pops up in my business I now follow the lead. So here I am, following the lead of the most recent theme – isolation. Loneliness – isolation – the opposite of connection – is leading me to create the next podcast episode to come – an activation to connect. (stay tuned for it) A lead in how to manifest the end of loneliness – the ability to connect. Everyone deserves it. Even you.
You see this is a personal experience too. Most honestly, are.
I was there. I remember it so clearly. I am human, after all. I grew up surrounded by others but filled with secrets of my trauma, and a deep loneliness. Other than a couple people who taught me unconditional love, I deeply felt that I was unloveable. This became layered by years in my youth where I really did isolate. As a young adult, I accepted isolation like a familiar blanket. As I lost those who taught me love, despite all of the healthy shifts I made in my life – I felt stuck in loneliness.
I manifested abundance in every other area – but I just couldn’t seem to understand why even with a mindset shift, even learning to love myself – I couldn’t quite connect properly. I could not allow that fulfillment – or find it. My nervous system echoed with loneliness – and I just kept trying to fill it up. Despite my life changes, despite all the therapy and work I was doing – I remained stuck. I worked and worked to change it. But not to feel it. It didn’t belong there, I needed to CHANGE, not be in the darkness of that emotion.
I knew, I was never alone. Not truly. That lonely feeling was simply because I was disconnected – I was choosing the disconnection because of my own shadow of shame and self worth. It wasn’t safe for me to forgive others or myself, to connect with the possibility of more – because of the past trauma and dysfunction. I didn’t want to feel the loneliness. So I kept trying to simply CHANGE it.
I had healed so much – or so I felt – I had opened all the ‘cans of worms’. I had cried and raged and learned to create and laugh and be vulnerable. But facing my loneliness – admitting it – accepting it – expressing it – and feeling it fully – was where I was stuck. Instead I just wanted to shift it – avoid it.
I can remember the exact moment I manifested connection rather than avoiding disconnection. The exact moment I allowed the feelings to fully process rather than tucking them away as part of my core.
I looked in a mirror, so filled – likely after yet another broken relationship – with loneliness that I was refusing anymore to avoid it. To pass the time with being busy and just letting myself FEEL the emptiness. I just felt this all powerful emptiness. A deep weight. So familiar – because it was always there whispering, but I kept pushing it away.
Looking in the mirror I told my reflection I was so f!*king lonely, and I didn’t deserve to feel so lonely anymore. I needed help. In fact – and yes I realize it may seem a little out there that I talked to my reflection – I deserved to connect with others. I deserved to love myself. And the loneliness was horrible and hard and heavy and empty. I named it. I felt it. I allowed it to move through me. It was dark and felt like what it was – years of isolation surfacing. It made sense – the kid I was that was rejected and hurt. The youth I was who struggled so deeply. The loss I had as an adult. Of course I was lonely. Of course I isolated. I let my body feel it. KNOW it.
In that moment it felt all consuming. I felt it. I faced it.
Then, I shifted into loving the child I was – when it had felt noone else had – and loving the teenager that was in such a disconnected state, who was filled with shame. I moved through loving who I was then and there, alone in the home I had manifested with all the things and the amazing life I was manifesting. I sent myself self-compassion, for all the times I had avoided that isolation. I told my reflection I was no longer going to be okay with staying lonely, and I was going to attract into my life love. Love for myself, love for others, and – oh I was going to also feel love from others.
I didn’t ask how. I didn’t demand how. I just knew that I was open. Connection was going to replace the disconnection. I deserved it.
Often I have done similar emotionally heightened releases – and it always settles into me with a wave of relief. I remember in that moment I felt that sense of relief. Peace of knowing.
That was in the spring of 2013.
It was January of 2014 I had my daughter. Which is another story that includes a great deal of trauma – but more so – my heart had never felt as open as it did carrying and having her. Nor has it since. Despite the difficulties of her first few years – I have afterall, always done things a bit different. It is perfectly unique – as am I. Things eventually turned. They shifted – into the fulfillment in my heart of connection.
Remember, fixing the emotional experience of loneliness isn’t about being surrounded by people, or having stuff. Or making the best social media posts.
Processing loneliness is about learning that you can connect to yourself – that you deserve it – not just in an ‘I am a good person’ way but in an ‘I am light and love’ way. That you also deserve that connection with others and always did. It is about allowing that little child you were to experience they deserved better, to feel the feelings, to express the same to the youth you were. To acknowledge that as an adult you still truly need to connect to yourself and others. That you can have fulfillment.
Love – connection – that lightness – there are glimmers at times where I am reminded it wasn’t always a part of my world. But mostly – I can pull it into me with this beautiful gratitude and light without hesitation. It is as familiar to me now as once that empty lonely stuckness was.
Today I have the partner I was always meant to be with. I have children that knew I deserved love before choosing me to be their mother. I have the family that I didn’t have as a child. I have the power to be vulnerable. Oh the blessings in my world now. Sometimes it is fun to visit those past parts of myself – let them know – they are going to be more than okay.
Connection is not about pleasing others. It isn’t about passion and romance and what others can do for you. Connection is not about telling yourself who you want in a partner, or how you want to have them come into your life.
Connection is always present. It is about self-acceptance and heart wrenching release of that disconnection you were taught before you knew how to attach.
So if you are struggling with loneliness, or rather – if you are trying to avoid it – try to give it some validation instead.
Name it. Notice it. Normalize it. Nurture it. Avoiding it will work – but it won’t go anywhere. It will stay in your shadows, echoing that if you just shine some light on it, well, life will change.
You were never meant to live locked out of love.
Open the door. Stay tuned for the upcoming activation!